Remembrance!

It was the early morning of Saturday, March 28. My H and I were laughing and chatting away as usual as we got ready for the day. The phone rang, I picked it up! My nephew-in-law was at the other end of the line, hesitant at first and then he blurted, “Sar Kor, I am sorry to have to tell you that Ah Mah has just passed away.” I burst into tears, my H dashed from the dressing room to hold me as I cried.

While my mum’s passing was somewhat expected as the family had spent the whole duration of our Chinese New Year period in the hospital after she was diagnosed with hematoma in the left occipital part of her brain on the eve of this Lunar New Year, it still came too soon. We had hoped that she would hold on until November for my two nieces’ weddings. She appeared to be doing reasonably well after being discharged from the hospital in late February. She was even doing well in her outpatient physiotherapy sessions and my siblings had given her a surprise 80th birthday mini-celebration on her birthday on March 16. The big celebration at the Four Seasons Hotel in Singapore scheduled on the second day of the Lunar New Year (February 25) had to be canceled because she was in the intensive care unit of the Neuroscience ICU ward then.

Although I have been making travel arrangements for us for several years and am very apt at it, all of sudden I felt lost. All I wanted was to be back in Singapore that very instant. I was shaking a little as I sat in front of my computer searching for the best flight options. My head felt dense. I have done it many times before but that morning, everything felt slow, not going fast enough. I found out for the first time that online flight booking cannot be made for the same day, it has to be for the next day’s flight???? To make same day booking, I had to do it over the phone, which I tried to do but soon discovered that each ticket will cost quite a bit more than online reservation (discounted fare). After talking to British Airways and Singapore Airlines, we decided to go with the direct flight from Los Angeles to Singapore on Singapore Airlines that would get us into Singapore on early Tuesday morning. The soonest we could leave was Sunday, March 29. Flying by British Airways would mean we arrive only on Wednesday – that would be too long.

My younger sister who lives in Melbourne, Australia was advised of the news on Sunday morning as the family didn't want to wake her up in the middle of night. Fortunately, and living in the city helped as well, she was able to get a flight at a reasonable price for same day departure – so she arrived into Singapore on Sunday evening. My nephew (my older sister’s son) who has been living and working in Dubai arrived on Monday. Being furthest away, we arrived on Tuesday morning. It is strange - we do not realize how physically far away we are from family until there is an emergency and we feel a strong need to be with family that very instant.

Modernly, the funeral process of Singaporeans of Chinese descent (hereafter referred to as "Chinese") lasts either 3, 5 or 7 days depending on circumstances such as how soon can all the immediate family gather. Because, we could only arrive on Tuesday morning, my siblings decided on 5 days which means the actual funeral would take place on Thursday afternoon, two days after we arrive. As we are Buddhist, there is prayer every night that required the participation of immediate family members, optional for friends and relatives.

Chinese have very elaborate funeral process. There is a choice for partially open or close casket. My mum had a partially open casket. She was embalmed and nicely made up. The casket was surrounded with flowers and set back behind an altar. Every morning, we would buy fresh vegetarian food and place them on the altar as offerings.

My mum had told my younger sister years ago that when she passes, she wants us to wear white. Modern traditional is white top and black pants or all black. Traditionally, the dress code was elaborate with different colors and fabrics for siblings, spouses, sons, daughters, daughters who are married, daughters-in-law, grandchildren (differentiated again depending on whether the grandchildren were from son or daughter), great-grandchildren (differentiated in the same manner as grandchildren).

The wake which is the period from when the “stage” is set for friends and family to pay respect and say their goodbyes until the actual funeral. For my mum, the wake was held at the void deck of my eldest brother’s apartment. There were close to 100 floral wreaths sent mostly by friends and business associates and blankets and comforters. We have tried to find out why Chinese people send blankets and comforters (with Chinese words stitched on them), no one knew the origin of the practice. No pictures were taken of the wake out of concern that the camera may capture more images than what the human eye can see – it is one of the many superstitions that we Chinese have.

The family hung out in the staging area all day and at least one family member must stay vigilant i.e. awake all night. Thankfully, my elder brother's son, younger daughter and her boyfriend took turns to stay vigilant. They did the vigilance without complaints - pretty great kids! They will probably be the only two from their generation that are likely to continue observance of Chinese traditions in our family. Close friends of the family member on "night duty" stayed till the wee hours to keep them company (that helps to keep them awake all night as well). My youngest brother slept by my mum's coffin every night and returned to his apartment only in the morning. My older brother and sis-in-law did a great job hosting the wake for the five days.

My closest friends came by to help in the evenings and again on the day of the funeral. My youngest brother's close friends were a tremendous help with set-ups and hanging the comforters and blankets from day one of the wake all the way to the funeral itself. They also came by every evening to attend the wake as well. All siblings, friends and relatives were great in making the event memorable for my mum.

The evenings were when friends and relatives began pouring in. Vegetarian buffet dinners were served. Plates filled with groundnuts, watermelon seeds, sweets and red threads were placed on round tables for visitors. Packet soft drinks were offered. Visitors were supposed to take one red thread with them when they leave the wake and throw it away after they leave. They should not bring the red thread home.

During the day when there were fewer visitors, the family began to make preparations for the funeral. We had to fold colored hand towels in a particular shape, top with a small red packet containing two ten cent coins and both the towel and the red packet were then tied with a red thread. These would be handed out to all who attend the funeral and cremation ceremony. After the cremation, there would be pails of water with flowers and attendees would wash their faces with the “flower” water before heading to another section of the temple for a vegetarian early dinner. I think the washing with flower water is a cleansing ritual because funerals are “unclean” events.

Traditionally, mourners were not permitted to leave the staging area until after the funeral. That means friends and relatives hang around to help with running errands. Modernly, such rituals are not strictly observed.

Chinese also believe that the dead returns home on the 7th day. So, on the 7th day, instead of sleeping at the Four Seasons Hotel with my H, I went home to sleep at my mum’s apartment just in case she “returns.” We wanted her to be comforted that we are all still together. When my younger sis and I returned to Singapore, we usually share my sister’s bedroom. I would sleep next to my second sister on her bed while my younger sister would sleep on a mattress next to the bed. However, my younger sister indicated that particular night that she’d prefer to sleep on the bed. I sensed she was afraid that my mum might actually visit so I told her that it was okay, I'd sleep on the mattress next to the bed.

With the jetlag and the need to be around all day till late night, I was too exhausted to worry about anything. That night however, I suddenly felt a severe headache but was too tired to stand up to get my Motrin, I struggled with the pain for a while, then I felt a light tap on my left shoulder and I slipped into deep sleep. My younger sister who slept on the bed next to my second sister and our house-help who slept on a pull-out bed by the window both felt a knock and vibrations at the corner of the bed.

That reminds me of a section in Bill’s autobiography about how his Chinese girlfriend suddenly exclaimed that her “grandmother” was in the room and pointed to a butterfly. Actually, many still believe that loved ones return to our world in the form of butterfly. At least that’s what we were often told growing up – whenever a butterfly flies into the house, we’d be told that’s granddad or grandma checking in on us : ) : ). I suspect the origin of this belief lies in a classical love story of two lovers who were forced apart and when they died, two butterflies flew away together from their tomb – the movie version starred Ivy Lim Poh and Betty Loh Ti, both very famous Shaw movie stars in the 60s and 70s.

The 7th day of mum’s passing happened to be the actual day of Ching Ming festival. We have to pray to mum on the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th seven days i.e. on the 7th day, 21st day, 35th day and 49th day. We will be observing mourning colors for 100 days meaning we wear black, white, blues, pale greens, no bright colors. Traditionally, children have to wear black or white for 100 days at least, no make-ups, no gold jewelries etc.

Chinese, in a way do not believe in death as an end, rather it is a transition into another world much like ours in the sense that they still need to be fed, clothed and housed.

Ching Ming Festival

Ching Ming or grave sweeping day was observed on April 4 this year, so 10 days before and 10 days after was when families would visit the graves of loved ones or visit crematorium where ashes of loved ones were kept. Ching means “pure” or “clean” and Ming means “brightness.” Chinese are big on ancestor worship although I am not optimistic it will be observed by my great-nieces’ generation.

A rich person's grave

Growing up, Ching Ming meant going with my parents, sometimes just with my dad alone to a huge cemetery, wandering up a hill on a hot, sunny day, treading very carefully between graves (must not upset the souls or we’ll be in for bad luck), searching for my grandfather’s grave. Because we went there only once a year, it was difficult to remember where the grave was. You see, there were no addresses (numbers on the graves) and graves were packed quite close to each other so unless you are very rich and had bought a huge lot, it sometimes took hours to find the grave. There were occasions when we spent hours and couldn’t find our paternal grandmother’s grave. Chinese cemeteries in the old days were not the most organized place. I remember always envying some of the beautiful graves of rich families near my granddad’s grave – they had a big area fenced in with mosaic floor all around so the descendants could pray in comfort without having to tread on other graves.

We always heaved a sigh of relief when my granddad’s grave was located, no need to tread on strangers’ grave anymore. We would then lay out the food in front of the grave stone, lay incense paper top with stones to avoid the papers from flying away on the “hump” of the grave and then pray. We cannot leave until we have confirmation that granddad had eaten the offerings we brought – that confirmation was received by throwing two coins in the air and when they land with one head and one tail face up, a sign that granddad was satisfied. If the coins landed with both heads up or both tails up, he was still eating. After receiving confirmation that he was satisfied with his meal, we would burn incense paper and paper money of the other world so my granddad would have money to spend in that other world.

Predictably while we were setting-up the offerings for granddad, a small male or female country looking figure with bad teeth would appear, claimed to have been tending to granddad’s grave year round and asked for maintenance fee. Sometimes the grave appeared tended, so dad would pay them $10 or $20. Sometimes, the grave appeared neglected, the caretaker would claim we came didn’t tell them we were coming or there were too many graves to clear and they hadn’t got to granddad’s yet. They would promise to clear the grave and dad would give them some money.

Ching Ming festival is also an opportunity for the living to re-stock supplies for loved ones who passed on to the other world. Often, people would burn paper houses, cars, money, trunks filled with clothes, shoes etc. The people who make paper products for the dead kept up with the times by making passports, mobile phones, TVs, etc – I saw what looked liked Louis Vitton hand baggage : ) : ). One of my nieces said she resisted the temptation to buy my dad a mobile phone lest he should decide to call her from beyond : ) : ). When she buys a car to burn for my dad, she’d always check to make sure the wheels are in good condition because she noticed that the paper homes came with maids and chauffeurs but there were no mechanics in the paper products.

After the funeral – treasures from my dad discovered
My H left a couple of days after the funeral. I stayed on an extra week to help my siblings sort out stuff. In clearing mum’s stuff, my sisters came across a couple of interesting things left behind by dad.

We found a tiny coin box that fascinated us when we were children. You had to slide different parts of the box to get the key hidden in the base of the box and then manipulate other parts of the box to reveal a keyhole. That is how you’d open the box. We also found a lovely sandalwood fan that I loved very much as a child. I requested to keep both items. The new sandalwood fans do not retain the scent after a period but that old one does, it is so fragrant. We couldn’t find dad’s cheeky ballpoint pen which had a lady in bikini when you tilt it one way, and her bikini disappears when you tilt it the other way. I didn’t have the presence of mind to take pictures of the coin box or the sandalwood fan because my mind was miles away from blogging at the time. I was simply thrilled to see those long-almost forgotten items again.

Mum had kept dad’s old foreign notes and old coins including banana notes from the days of Japanese occupation in Singapore during the second world war. Some coins go back to the 1800s, some lost their imprint. All very interesting.

We also discovered three letters belonging to dad. The first dated August 9, 1948 signed by the Supervisor of the former Straits English School, a registered private school certifying that my dad was a pupil of the school and was studying in Standard Three in the year 1941. The second letter (a retrenchment letter) dated January 1949 was a testimonial by the Managing Partner of K.S. Lee & Co. certifying that dad was employed by them as a mandore in charge of coolies in the Military camps namely – Gilman Barracks and Depots Road Area from July 28, 1947 to May 17, 1948. Finally, a testimonial from Ng Boon Leong of 21 Prinsep Street dated September 31, 1953 certifying that dad worked as a general clerk and driver for the past four years and dad had to leave his employ due to Mr. Ng’s business failure.

According to Bill's autobiography if I remember correctly, Bill and his friend Maurice, both young British soldiers arrived in Singapore in 1955/56 and lived in Gilman Barracks where my dad had worked seven years earlier!!!